The Experimental Log of the Crazy Lich

“…I can work for you, but you must pay me an amount worth my loyalty. If you’re able to grant one request of mine, it will become much easier for us to reach an accord.”

Ainslo’s response was quite vague, with no concrete promises made. But judging from how the Stone Mother kept sneaking glances at Beifeng and her bump and shard-filled stone face actually had the expression of a shy girl, what she meant was obvious.

From a certain standpoint, I felt that Beifeng’s ability had surpassed the legend about Midas’s golden touch. In the literal sense of the word, Beifeng had even succeeded in moving a heart of stone.

Even I had been shocked and confused when I first heard Beifeng’s accomplishment after the battle.

“…Impossible! He only needed to speak a few words and he tamed that gigantic beast which was powered up by a Titan Giant? Is this a joke? That lion is at the very least a SemiGod, not to mention under the control of the Titan Giants. How could it betray them so easily!?”

Yet some people or events would truly be that unreasonable. Truth was always stranger than fiction, and reality would always trump theory. If you found something inconceivable, it only meant you didn’t understand everything about what had truly happened… Fine then, to speak more directly, nobody knew just what it was that Beifeng had done. Nor did anyone want to know.

As I gazed at this “miracle man,” who was currently fooling around with that extravagantly beautiful divine beast lion, even I felt rather awkward as I thought about how he was able to move even the heart of an Earth Elemental Lord made of stone.

“If you look at it from a different angle, isn’t it just like winning the heart of an ancient princess from another dimension, then obtaining a large amount of dowry and subordinates, together with a great increase in personal power level through combat. Then, he managed to tame a ‘beautiful’ powerful existence simply by talking, even though that lion would easily suppress him in power level. With how successful he is with everything in life… not to mention how much of a harem he has, without even a single conflict among his harem members? Isn’t he absolutely just like a main character? Beifeng, if you change your style slightly, you could be the main character of a typical knight’s story!”

“…Actually, he’s written his own autobiography and epic that’s become a hugely popular novel. It has excellent descriptive detail, and not only is his story popular with men, but many women—whether they be stuck in loveless relationships or have no romantic experience whatsoever—love his story as well. I’ve also read it, and it’s truly a great read.”

Harloys’ comment made me feel rather uncomfortable. How was this possible!? How could something so improper be popular!?! Also, Beifeng was actually literate! And he even knew how to write a novel!

“…Dracons are an intelligent species. Be careful you don’t get attacked for racial discrimination.”

“Impossible! Just Beifeng’s existence alone means his book wouldn’t get approved by any authority. How could something so improper even get published!? Not a single merchant publisher would dare to accept his story!”

“Actually, he’s a skilled writer who’s good at telling stories. Only after reading his story did I find out that the world of beasts was so interesting…”

“Harloys! Please don’t go down the wrong path!”

Often times, curiosity towards certain taboos would be the beginning of going down the wrong path. If making a straight person gay was called “curving” [1] 1 them, then what should making a straight person interested in bestiality be called? Was a new word about to be born yet again all because of Beifeng? Beifeng, could you please slow down just a little?

“Ha, what are you thinking about? Relax, I have normal interests. Aren’t the most popular knight stories all about adding some animal characteristics to the female lead to make her seem cuter? Since humans can adopt beast characteristics, of course beasts can also adopt human characteristics. Beifeng’s story, ‘Hunting Records of a Tamer,’ only has normal relationships between males and females. Although if you look at what it would be in real life, it’s just that beasts have become humans, men have become women, and male beasts have become female beasts, and so on. Ah, the seventh female lead, Mia, is truly so cute. But once I think about how she was originally a large yellow dog, and male, it makes me unable to stand it anymore. As expected, you should just look at the surface. It will ruin your worldview if you know who the author is!”

Alright then, I felt slightly reassured upon hearing such an explanation, although Harloys’ words still seemed to contain many parts worth commenting on.

“Forget about explaining male beasts transforming to female, because all of us know just what Beifeng is like. But the seventh female lead? Is the story even readable with such a messy plot?”

“I asked him that as well. Beifeng told me: ‘Every single feeling I have is serious, very serious. I’m giving it my all with each and every love. I’m willing to sacrifice everything, including my life, for the sake of my lover. This is why I was able to obtain the Heart of All-Encompassing Love. I love everyone, but I’m also focused. Every single love I have contains my entire heart and soul. I enjoy the delight of love, but I also desire the next experience of love which awaits me. If you think that all I’m interested in is carnal lust, then you’re truly underestimating me and my lovers.”

Although this reason sounded ridiculous, he really was able to use this Concept of his to form a Soul Imprint—that meant that he really did think in such a way. In fact, it was even his entire way of life.

For me, personally, I found it impossible to accept such a ridiculous way of looking at love. Yet since it was someone else’s personal interest, I wouldn’t comment too much on it… which was absolutely impossible! I wasn’t such a good person! The moment I returned to East Mist, I was definitely going to write a new law, forbidding his novels from entering the market! One Beifeng was more than enough! What if more people like Beifeng appeared due to the popularity of his novels? Would this world even be salvageable anymore?”

“Although I don’t want to admit it, what he says is probably what he really thinks. Did he convince you?”

“Not at all. As he was telling me all this, he was being fought over by a male water buffalo and a female lizard. Also, a female chimpanzee was crying into a handkerchief nearby. Since I was far too disgusted by him showing me an 8:00 pm soap opera and hellish battleground before me—not to mention beast style—I sent him flying with a wave of Arcane Missiles.”

“Wonderfully done!”

I gave Harloys a big thumbs-up, but Harloys still remained rather depressed.

“…As he was flying, he also gave me a big thumbs-up in return. He had angered me intentionally so that I would send him flying and rescue him from the situation he was in.”

“…Forget it, let’s change the topic. I no longer wish to learn anything more about him.”

From a certain standpoint, if at all possible, I wanted to know as little about Beifeng as possible. Yet even this ancient Earth Elemental Lord was making Beifeng into her condition—I could only be impressed at Beifeng’s abilities in this area.

The most important thing right now was to obtain the information I wanted from the Great Stone Sculptor. Since she wanted the dracon, I would give him to her. After all, Beifeng was interested in every lifeform there was, so what did it matter?

But just as I was planning on giving him over in an arranged marriage, he spoke up.

“…Sister Stone and I have a pure brother-sister relationship, nothing more. Please don’t misunderstand.”

I was incredibly astonished to hear this. Beifeng actually rejected someone else’s offer of love? Wasn’t he supposed to love everything living that wasn’t humanoid?

But unfortunately, no matter how much I hinted with my gestures, that bastard wouldn’t budge at all. He was almost acting like a proper individual who stood on the side of logic, which made me into an ancient artifact who was trying to force him into a marriage.

“Harloys?”

“Don’t ask me—I don’t know a single reason for this to happen.”

“That means you know multiple reasons… Tell me. Otherwise, I’ll transform you into a cat and give you to Beifeng. Do you see that lion? He’s your distant relative, as well as male…”

Although this was an old trick I had used endless times before, it was fine as long as it was effective. Besides, Beifeng didn’t have any interest in Harloys as she was originally a Gold Elf. It would be enough to only scare her. From what I knew, Beifeng was capable of opening up Harloys’ old mental scars with just a gesture.

“…Pure love? Ptui! It would be the strangest thing ever if he believed in that! Ainslo’s physical body is made of stone, so it’s impossible to do anything. And he still kept rambling on about spiritual love, but when the Stone Sculptor transformed into her humanoid form, he lost all interest in her.”

Although Harloys’ angry tone was definitely aimed at me as well, I understood instantly, even if I would have preferred to understand nothing.

It was quite common for high-level elemental creatures, dragons, and so on to have humanoid forms. Typically, the powerful would have rather handsome or beautiful appearances in their humanoid forms. And once they created a humanoid form for themselves, there would be no changing it. The really ancient existences like Ainslo were particularly fond of using Superior Elves as their humanoid forms. The Stone Mother’s humanoid form was most likely a beautiful Elf, and with any normal person’s sense of beauty, perhaps it would be possible to accept her Elf form. But, Ainslo just happened to meet this strange individual.

There was a saying that non-corrupt officials would have difficulty in managing their own family affairs, but I felt that even a corrupt official would find it impossible to manage these weirdos. If at all possible, I wanted to run away from this situation, but it just so happened that I had many uses for Ainslo. I needed her full cooperation.

There were other issues apart from establishing a new Earth Elemental God? Of course. My Frigidwinter Earth needed other high quality elemental items in order to balance and complete it. While I investigated this topic in the Mage Country, I didn’t discover anything.

“Are you stupid? If those mages knew the location of top-level elemental items, they would have fought over them long ago. Even if such an item is simply embedded into the top of a mage staff to support one’s magic spells, it would still be a priceless treasure. Who would leave a top-level elemental item laying around for you? Even if a mage’s natural element is incompatible with the elemental item in question, he or she could still leave it behind for disciples or descendants as a priceless family heirloom.”

At the time, Harloys had instantly shattered my dream about lucky chances. But even when I asked the Gods, there was still no answer. Or perhaps I should say that I received the same answer.

“…Are you an idiot? If I knew where top-level elemental items were, I would have gone to steal them long ago. Why would I leave them for you?”

Well, since Beyana was the Goddess of Wealth, I figured that perhaps she would know something. But the reply I received was the same, despite the fact that I had sent her some presents to help fix our relationship.

But, if you thought about it, an ancient Elemental Lord would probably know more about top-level elemental items than anyone else in existence. Elemental creatures had their own social circles and dimensions, and the elemental wars between them never stopped. Also, due to how the elements interacted with and countered each other, it was impossible for elemental creatures themselves to use any elemental items that weren’t from their element. And in order to better defend against their enemies, it was only natural for them to have a deep understanding of other elements’ top-level items.

Since I currently had Ainslo, an ancient Elemental Lord who was just as old as Emordilorcan working under me, it was only natural for me to ask her about it. However, the price for such top-level information would surely be great, so first trying to haggle or getting in her good graces was only normal.

Yet she was now making it obvious that she was a maiden in love, which forced me to get involved in all this—I had information I wanted from her. I really didn’t want to have anything to do with these mysterious existences and the strange ways they thought, but I had no choice.

In the end, I could only make a new law in the entire Northlands for the protection of animals. “Yep, a special law made based on a plea bargain, which won’t be carried out in Sulfur Mountain City. Casually touching another person’s pet without the master’s permission will be breaking the law. So if you don’t want to be chased by the Knights of Justice, you understand.” This was the bribe I offered Beifeng so that he would promise to at least give this slightly plump stone princess a chance and at least go out on a few dates with her.

This was all I could accomplish? Indeed, this was all I could accomplish. There was no way I could really force him into a marriage. And if I really did force Beifeng into a marriage, I felt that it would become the greatest shame and dark history of my life. But just this alone made Ainslo thank me repeatedly and nod in great satisfaction. It would seem that she was absolutely lovestruck for the dracon.

And then, I asked her what I wanted to know. She hesitated slightly before telling me… something that gave me a headache.

“A real Titan’s Heart? So it has dual elemental properties of both wind and earth? Of course I know that this is a top-level elemental item. But isn’t it a little too difficult to obtain from a Titan Giant?”

“…The Gravity Stone which is the core of the Pillar of Wrath in the Suolo District? What do you think you’ll do to me if I steal away the foundation of your home? That’s right, chase me down to the end of the world! There’s a mega empire in the Suolo district. Do you think it’s fun to be chased by several million people?”

“The ‘Devourer,’ who’s ranked #5 on the Calamity Rankings? Oh, so he’s actually a mutated Sand Worm? But what do you want me to do against a monster that can easily swallow an entire volcano? Isn’t this ridiculous? Why is each top-level earth element item more difficult to obtain than the previous!?”

Although I at least received some information this time, any top-level elemental items lying around were certain to be difficult to obtain. As for these top-level earth element items she mentioned, I didn’t even need to consider them as I already had Emordilorcan’s body within my Frigidwinter Earth—the best top-level earth element item of all.

“Strange. Why is it that you only know about top-level earth element items? You don’t have any information on top-level items from other elements?”

I asked that in surprise, but Ainslo also responded with surprise that didn’t seem fake. She just directly asked her question.

“I thought you intended to fix the Earth Elemental Throne, which was why I only told you about the earth element items. Actually, we’re searching for these items as well. You wanted information on the other elements’ top-level items? Although I don’t know much, I do know something.”

Fine then. Her unmistakable expression of disappointment made it clear that she had her own hopes as well. As long as the Earth Elemental Throne was fixed, she would naturally become the most likely candidate to become the next Earth Elemental God.

But now wasn’t the time for me to tell her that I was considering helping her become what she wanted. I pretended to know nothing about that and continued asking for information about the other elements’ top-level items. This time, the Stone Mother was unreserved in giving me her information. After all, these top-level element items were useless to her.

And, in a way, any top-level earth element item that the Earth Elemental Lords knew about were either incredibly difficult to obtain or still unripe for using. Of course the difficulty would be ridiculously high.

But for top-level elemental items from other elements, especially the wind element that the Earth Elemental Lords were weak to, using them would actually weaken themselves. Since these were treasures that only enemies could use, most would simply try to destroy such items. But some were absolutely impossible to destroy, so they would just seal them and cut off all information about them in order to prevent their enemies from obtaining these items.

And now, I received the valuable information that I wanted.

“A little over ten thousand years ago, the Holai Volcano possessed…”

This time, the information was far more reliable as many of the items were even personally sealed away by Ainslo. But then, my trouble began.

[Ding! Congratulations for activating the Myth-rank Quest, “Go to the Holai Volcano to find…”]

[Ding! Congratulations for activating the Elite-rank Quest, “Go to the Winged Tribe’s former capital city, Lais…]

I started to receive an endless amount of such Quests, from the very lowest rank all the way to SemiGod. But it would take an unknown amount of time to complete them all. Considering that I needed top-level elemental items that were the same quality as the Earth Elemental Throne, I wouldn’t need to focus on Quests Myth-rank or below.

[System Notification: These Quests’ difficulty levels are based solely on the difficulty that Ainslo told you. The actual difficulty levels may be readjusted once you begin the Quest and see the actual situation.]

Fine then, I knew the biggest trouble was still waiting for me. The difficulty was one matter, but the real problem was that Ainslo’s information was from far too long ago. I would need to find out if her information was still accurate. Every item she knew about was from several tens of thousands of years ago. Just investigating the differences between the names of the old places she knew and the names of today would require me to find several experts in history to track changes throughout the eons. Organizing the information alone would require a great deal of effort.

It’s funny how things worked. I was just complaining how I had no information earlier, but now I had too much information and it would all need to be investigated. Since Ainslo’s information was highly likely to be outdated, the result of any Quest I undertook would be no different from a gamble. A hugely difficult Quest might result in nothing whatsoever at the end, and perhaps a low-ranked Elite Quest might actually give me a top-level item.

“Honestly, System, don’t you know how to give me a break? Doing all these random draw Quests will take me more than three years! Don’t you know that I hated random draw reward Quests more than anything else back when I was adventuring? There’s also the fact that my luck is so terrible. Several times, I purchased expensive treasure maps only to find that I was too late to the treasure by a couple centuries. That wasn’t even the worst part. One time, I fought with a Phantom Cat guarding a treasure for two entire weeks, only to discover that the treasure it was guarding was nothing more than some fish heads and fish bones that had gone rotten, which made me so disgusted…”

[System Reminder: You truly are an idiot. If you can’t finish all these Quests by yourself, don’t you know how to hire someone else to do them for you? There are plenty of gamers out there willing to be hired to rank up your account or perform difficult Quests for you. Just think about it! Bear Grylls will teach you how survive in the wild, for the low price of 998! Only 998! You’re already a boss level character yourself, so why do you want to do everything by yourself?]

Hire gamers to rank my account up for me? I paused in surprise for a moment before having an epiphany.

“You’re saying I should issue my own Quests to the Contract Heroes and have them find the elemental items for me? Yep, as long as I label the difficulties appropriately and give out rewards, I’ll have an endless number of helpers. I just need to think of a method to obtain some reward money to pay them. Does this mean I need to think of another method to scam some money again? Oh, right, I should be paying a visit to the Bardi Empire’s capital. It’s not good to have Archduke Halent wait for me for too long…”

Note:

[1] TL/N: “Curving” someone is Chinese slang for making a straight person gay.